Regret

I am feeling regret.

I did not take many maternity photos. 

Steven was annoyed that the dishes were not clean. He told me my camera would break soon because I left it out on the end table and that it was his second time warning me. He thought me taking pictures of Julia was ridiculous then made a comment on how I finally made her cry and she is smart for not liking photo shoots. He was irritated with my setup being in the way for too long. He did not like that I had moved the couch against nurse's orders. I feel alone and unsupported. 

Steven offers to hold her. But he settles in and I have to get up to lean over and hand her over. 

I did not get a nap today. He did. Maybe I resent him for that. Maybe he is right, I should have napped and not attempted the failed photo shoot. I should have let the hospital do the photos. 

Julia started breaking out in tiny red dots all over right before my eyes once our visitors left. Another reason to have let the hospital take the photos. Or at least I could have not let visitors over and could have done them the day before or that morning. 

Tyler was sad just now and Steven helped him. But when I was finishing up changing Julia's diaper, Steven came in to tell me that Tyler was inconsolable. When I said nothing, he got upset. Really. I was so tired, was not feeling good, and did not for some reason think he was asking me anything. Steven wanted to communicate and I am just not right. 

My tummy is cramping and I am not even nursing right now. 

I have been looking forward to being able to have only one thing on my to-do list: stare at and cuddle with my baby girl. Well I still have other things on it. So I am not able to relax and enjoy her. She also does not look like me. I was curious if I would have a mini me. I love her. 

I need to count my blessings even when faced with adversity. 

We are healthy. I did not tear. My mom, Barbie, Steven, Corrie, and Dr. McNeill got to be with me. I did not get sent home. Tyler likes her name. 

Thursday

Steven was upset that a friend came over and I did not notify him. I had forgotten she said she would come over. I think I had told him about her plan before. I thought I heard them talking out front. I was in the middle of nursing so did not make sure he knew. 

When she left, Steven made it clear how upset he was that I had not notified him. Maybe he was mad that I had not made him lunch. On the other hand, he did not offer to make me lunch either. I left the room and cried. Steven does not approve of much that I do or do not do. I inconvenience him. 

He picked up Julia then she started crying. He sang to her but did not stand up with her. He just sat there asking her why she was crying. I was doing the dishes. 

How do I tell him? 

I just need to sleep.