Saturday, March 18, 2017

coming of age. maybe in my fourties?

coming of age
I feel like I am still figuring myself out. I don't like that I'm not who I want to be. I feel like I'm old. I'm a mom of 4 and have been married a really long time and have been at the same job for over 11 years. I have had my own business for a long time too. I don't have motivation or energy for it and remember when I was so excited about it! Heck, even last spring I did a really good job at promoting myself and doing those adorable Easter photos. I didn't make that much money doing it, mainly b/c I partnered with somebody who spent zero on overhead and didn't bring any clients and got new clients and for some reason I paid her too. Lesson learned. And because of that burn, I fizzled out on that. I have my regulars that I love, but there's not too much creativity in doing the same things. And when I do creative, I sometimes do more than needed. Why's it still hard to find balance? I have the formulas.
Lately I've been annoyed by things and let them get to me. Like things at work. My boss wasn't listening to a problem and potential solution I had. I felt rushed doing a patient and felt like there was no percieved value in the cleaning I had done since I crammed so much into so little of a time slot. I still got everything done and took the post-op x-rays and was awesome, but I felt like the patient wondered why he had paid so much for that little time. It's not enough time for me to do all I want to do. I did everything I needed to do, but when I mentioned my solution, Dr. Brayer said "I guess it depends on how experienced you are." What? I've been with her for years! If she doesn't think I'm good enough, then that's a fine way to tell me. I just told her I WAS good enough and did get all of the tarter off. I was the one who was able to do it all in that time! Why was she telling me that I think I need more time b/c I'm not experienced enough?!?! That's not what I was saying! I want more time b/c we're a good quality office and should not be money hungry. She has mentioned before how good of a clinician Daymar is and Daymar has been doing this for twice as long as I have if not more and is great at self-promotion and rushes through cleanings and I'm sure she has patients who love her. So anyway, I'm still offended by it b/c instead of Dr. Brayer talking to me about how I can improve, she finds the negative and I feel hurt.
Another issue was her letting me know that we would be doing office head shots the next day and we should tell people in case they want to do their hair or something. THAT'S how she asked me to do an office session!! She sort of said "I could use my camera if you think...." She paused and kind of slowly said the words waiting for me to jump in. I finally did say "I'll bring my camera" after a stare between the both of us. I should be a non-profit by this point! I did it b/c in reality, I know what she wants and don't want to have to redo it. I'd MUCH rather her pay somebody and not do it myself. But we tried. A pro came in w/ lots of lighting and a backdrop and we took time off during the day for it and had lots of notice. Dr. Brayer didn't like them. Because I enhance the photos!!! I edit them! I find the lighting and puff her hair and fill in her eyebrows and contour her face and add some make up and lighten the image more than necessary because I know that's what she likes! She likes her head to be upright, full hair, real smile, symetry, and where possible, a pop of red. She also said "I can't wait to see them" and "We need to get these to Big Sea so they can add them to our website ASAP." So I bumped my sister's photos and stayed up late and did like a 2 day turn over. I emailed her the link and sent the link in the messenger on Facebook as well. When I didn't hear from her for a day, I texted. She said she was sorry and didn't have a chance to look at them b/c she was busy. So.... That made me feel unappreciated. Oh, And the kicker, when I said in the office in our morning meeting about how I had cropped the photos to the same size in the main folder then added the others in another to make it easy for her to choose what I choose or she could choose others, she was super annoyed. She didn't want to have to do anything and said she didn't have time to look through them and didn't know how to send them over (although she could just send the easy-to-send link I had sent 3 ways!!!!) Oh. My. Goodness. I was so upset on the inside! Why was she mad at me for doing a ton of work?! I realize she's busy. So am I! And her business is her life. She's the boss. It's her thing. I was doing that on my own time! Luckily a miracle happened and patients kept cancelling that day. So I was able to rename and send photos in the way the Big Sea company likes them. I also did a bunch of things for our oral cancer race and other busy work things that should be done but nobody has time to do them nor do they care. Well, Dr. Brayer cares if it doesn't get done. The next week, they mentioned how she doesn't want hygienists to be doing things on the clock except for maybe an hour of calling patients to come in to fill our schedules. Another way of her not appreciating me doing things for her. I'm not doing personal things when I'm on the clock. I only work 2 days so when I'm there, I'm working like crazy! She is seriously only happy if I'm making her money, and even when I do, she looks for the negative in it. She's "weatherproofing" as her little book calls it. She is always expecting the worst. I realize I used the word "always." It's true. Any new hire, she looks for the negative before noticing the positive. Any thing that we do like when I told her that I had sold the last Sonicare, she was upset that we were out. (We had already known we were down to one and had asked her to order more so that shouldn't be bad news.) Somebody told her that she searched for "St. Pete Dentist" and we were at the top of the page. She had a worried look and I had to tell her to smile! HOW is there negative in that?! Those are the exact key words we are going for! I don't even know what her negative was going to be b/c I cut her off when I saw her scowel and start saying something she was worried about or in fear of.
So today, I offered to take lunch to the fort and Steven said they'd just come back on their bikes. I decided to get lunch all ready for them b/c last lunch, they were eating sandwiches faster than I could make them and were off running away before I could eat myself. I called Steven back to ask where the green table cloth was and he was annoyed b/c he wanted it for dinner. I found it right away and it was a 3 pack. Perfect! one for lunch and the other 2 for the 2 dinner picnic tables. He was really not happy with me for calling him back, then about bothering him for the table cloths that he wanted for his special dinner. I explained that I thought it would be nice and he consented. I set 6 place settings for our family with paper towels, grapes already washed and de-stemmed, Slim Jims, a clementine, a "little Hugs" juice drink and a straw that I had already half-way unwrapped for easy insertion, and a bag of chips at each place setting. I figured the boys would like Doritos and Steven would like the jalapeno kettle chips and Tyler would like funions. I made the PB&Honey sandwiches but kept them stacked in the back of the van so they wouldn't get dried out. It didn't work as well as I had planned though. Steven said "the bread is stale already." I told him I had tried to keep them good but maybe b/c it's so windy it didn't work. He was disgusted and lectured me on how I should've known that. Noah came over and I let him have Tyler's place setting. Why not. I had one for myself w/ no chips b/c I had eaten some. Tyler came over to Steven's place setting. Steven told me that Tyler won't like the jalapeno chips. I told him that I had gotten those for him but Noah was in his place setting but I can easiliy get other chips for Tyler. In my head, I was thinking that it would've been nice for Steven to be surprised or happy about having lunch and cold water ready for him. (He didn't touch his water or orange that I noticed.) I know he was tired. I offered to let him sleep with Julia. He acted like that was a stupid idea b/c there's no way he would lay down in there with her. He said that he would SIT outside. I didn't need that and should've communicated that to him but didn't. I figured I would lay down with her myself to get her settled. Don came. Which was my high of the trip. He happily brought his bike and asked where to park- across the street. He went on bike rides with the kids, took Julia out on the kayak when she awoke, and babysat her while she slept so Steven and I could go on a kayak ride ourselves. I felt bad b/c when he came, he sat down by Steven and they talked right outside our tent. I'm sort of sick and am on my period so don't feel that well. And I had stayed up the night before doing green nails and drying my hair. I did want to take a nap. But the snot in my head woke me up after just barely nodding off.
I did like our kayak trip.
My other highlight of the day was when Steven poured a bunch of compliments on me after Andre had brought him a drink. It was so sweet! He told me I looked pretty, was festive, thanked me for helping him with dinner, and something else I think. He kissed me. He finished with how awesome he is and I spanked his butt only to land on his hard phone case. ouch!
After the kids and Crews came back from their kayak trip to #2 island, Tyler went in the tent to change. He didn't see Julia and started closing all the windows all the way. I ran over in time to tell him to stop being loud and I watched him step on Julia a couple of times. She sat up. I was furious b/c I don't like how clingy she is to me especially when she wakes up early from a nap and is still tired. I knew he didn't see her, but he knew that she wasn't out there and that she was going to take a nap b/c I had wanted HIM to nap with her! Steven came and I walked away to cool down. Why is my temper so bad? Why do things get to me? Is it hormones? I know I'm boarderline depressed. I'm not sure who to talk to. I bet Steven would listen, but there's rarely a good moment. When we're happy together, I don't want to bring it up and ruin the mood. When we're not happy, that's not the time either of course. When we're just hanging out, he will be really upset if I bring up anything where he has to use his brain (even if it's to plan something fun or about school or friends or anything.) I realize that's probably not entirely the case, and it's I who have the problem, but that's a part that depresses me further.
The other night, Steven was upset about something, probably in part that the house is messy. We put the kids in bed and I want to lay on my bed for a second to worry and feel bad. My shoulders were tense, Steven had gone to the store and had wonderfully got camping things or something we had needed I know, and I was feeling sorry for myself that he's doing things for what he needs and not for me. I wish that he could be thinking of me in a positive way and not about how I fall short and can do nothing right. It was feeling like "why bother" and I had things I should do and wasn't sleepy tired, but my body was tired. Guess what. He came in and said "what are you doing?" It was a natural normal voice. I replied, "nothing." He said as he turned away, well I got you a treat if you want." Although it wasn't scoop-me-up-and-take-my-breath-away literally, it was exactly what was missing in my sad little uncontrolled life at that moment. It was filling my void. He had gotten napoleons! We ate them in the living room, him on the floor, myself up on the couch. He finished his quickly and asked if I wanted to sit in front of him so he could rub my shoulders. Wow! I couldn't believe it! He was just what I needed right then. Sadly I didn't tell him how much that meant to me.
So that thing with Dr. Brayer bothered me so much. I told too many people. I realize that I need to journal and not tell current personal stories that are fresh/raw. I also need to forget photography and focus on temple work. I want to take my older boys to the family history center on mommy dates. We went to the temple last Wednesday. It wasn't practical, but that's how it's supposed to be, right? Opposition?
I'm supposed to be sleeping in a tent right now. My throat hurt and I'm snotty and have a sinus infection and didn't want to be in that cold. Or in the tent with all those boys. So I brought home stuff and am doing laundry and dishes. I'm going to be sicker tomorrow. Maybe I'll make this a private blog b/c this is personal. Hopefully only Kat and Elisabeth read this. I think that's all who read it. I'd tell them anything they asked so I'm okay with them knowing that I'm a wreck. I realize it's just me and in comparrison, I'm the one making big deals about nothings. My problem is that why do these things bother me so much and why do I get so angry? I shattered a mirror the other night. One kid didn't help another kid while I was helping a 3rd kid with homework. I was reeeeeally tired and annoyed just doing the homework. (#1 thing that was wrong with me that night.) I lost my temper and slammed a door. Who does that? Bad people who don't see the big picture! People who need a mommy. I know better though! I need to get my act together. Oh, I wanted to say this: I just finished the Book of Mormon. (pause) ...So now I need to read Eather and Moroni to finish the Book of Mormon! (That's why I didn't say that on social media - not funny. I'm speed reading so should be able to bust it out. Priorities again. I'm lacking.


Elisabeth said...

Tiffany, thanks for saying that you don't mind me reading your blog. That was the best compliment ever! Thanks for being such a good friend. I sympathized with your mirror story. Remind me to tell you about pouring milk on Dante's head the other day at breakfast...

katgille said...

I think you are wonderful, and I think that knowing you have a hard time sometimes is good for me to know because on the outside you seem to be the perfect do-it-all mom and that's a really hard role model for me to live up to! I am always AMAZED at how much you get done and how little sleep you seem to get... And I am also always amazed at how little Dr. Brayer seems to be aware of all you do and how little she appreciates you. But that's another story.

Anyway, I love that you remember things like what people have wanted in the past so that you can try to help them get what they want in the future. Pajamas come to mind as one thing you've done for me along those lines. The well-organized lunch on the camping trip is a perfect example. I so wish you'd received the appreciation you were due.

And I love that you noticed that Steven gave you just what you needed that one night with the napoleons and the massage.

One more thing I love is that you still blog. The blog list on the right of your page shows blog after blog with the last update 2 years ago, 3 years ago, or 4 years ago. But you still post photos and updates about your kiddos to commemorate their birthdays and such. You are so good at documenting and remembering...maybe the two are related?

Personally, I've been realizing the last couple of years that I'm not as great as I've always thought. Hard to make that make sense in writing, but I've always had great self-esteem and still do, but logically I have noticed in many different ways these last few years that I really don't live up to the description I have of myself in my head. Like I want to homeschool my kids, yet have I ever consciously tried to teach my 3-year-old anything? I mean, seriously: she may be able to count to 4 on a good day. And every. single. day I feel completely at a loss about what to feed my family for dinner--heck, even lunch and breakfast--but I don't think about it until it's already time to be feeding them. So I flop on that three times a day every day for the last 6 years and 3 months (as long as I've had a family to feed). Family scripture study? Not once. Family home evening? Only if Ring-around-the-Rosy that once counted. Family prayer? Well, let's just say Mom had to mention bedtime prayers with Sadie when she was visiting us the month before Sadie turned 3 before I even realized I had never done it. And things like holidays? Same complete lack of planning and executing. You are the one who saves me from those failures. Like Aubrey's first birthday: I supplied the pizza, late and by having your husband have to go pick it up, and that is literally all I did. You supplied the outfit(s), the cake(s), the presents, the decor, the photos, the party guests--all of it. No wonder you feel overburdened and underappreciated. You are too patient and kind with too many people like me in your life. So thank you, and I'm sorry at the same time. I love you and I look up to you and I want you to know that you are AMAZING just the way you are and even more so because you aren't conceited about how wonderful you are and how much you get done and how talented you are.

Anyway, I should go clean a toilet or plan a meal or something, but I'm glad I finally remembered to check your blog. I hope you're having a happy day today. I love you.